The statement I hear the most from millennial and gen-z women in therapy is: “But when I try to set a boundary, I am the problem. I don’t want to be a burden”. This one is dedicated to you. Stand in your power, friend.

We are in this one together!

Let’s be real. The holidays are often painted as this magical time full of joy, laughter, and connection.

My truest hope is that you get IN on that. That is good stuff.

BUT… holidays also come with the other stuff. Like the stress of buying the right things, the anxiety of seeing everyone, or the pockets of grief that you did not expect - you know, that grief that comes with life just not looking how you thought it would. As a therapist, I can assure you that you are not alone. Not all feelings are going to feeling nicely wrapped with a bright bow.

I am here to tell you that it is perfectly acceptable (and encouraged) to make a plan to protect your peace, celebrate the way you see fit, and maybe invite some meaningful change into your holidays.

But what if my family or friends just disregard it or make it seem dramatic to even ask?

If they are not able to acknowledge + respect your boundaries -

they do not deserve to experience your magic today.

Yes. I said it and I meant it.

Physical Boundaries:

We are talking about HOW you take up space. We are looking at ways to express what you need to others and giving you a peek into what other’s may need from you when we talk about bodies, expression, movement.

YOU get to decide. Hugs, kisses, high fives, no touch? Here are some ways to communicate your boundaries:
- I am cautious of getting sick so I am not giving hugs today.
- Please know that I (or my child or my partner, etc) is not comfortable with hugs/kisses today. They will be fist bumping!
- I am feeling overstimulated by all of the people and sounds. I love you, but I really would prefer to not be touched today unless I initiate!
I recommend avoiding commenting on someone else’s physical appearance. Personally, I am the family member that changes 19 times so a comment on what I am wearing or how I look is NOT IT. Here are some alternatives to commenting on someone’s ~ look ~ (avoiding comments on weight, skin, style, etc.) and an idea for how to set a boundary for yourself:
- You feel so bright today!
- You are glowing. What is brining you joy right now?
- Wow! I saw on social media that you have so many exciting life updates! What are your faves? BTW - loving the vibe of your feed. It captures your essence so well.
- I was talking to my therapist recently (you can always blame us) and I was telling them how normal it is to make jokes about weight in our family. As we talked, I realized that those jokes actually really hurt my feelings. I would like for those to not be made to me anymore. Thank you for understanding!
With the New Year right around the freaking CORNER… so unreal to me… the talks of New Years resolutions begins. Curious about someone’s diet, exercise, self care routines? Here are some cool ways to ask. This may vary person to person so always ask permission. Here we go:
- I saw your Pinterest board dedicated to eating with your cycle. I have been so curious about that. What have you been learning?
- Hey - I noticed that you are really investing a lot of time into your physical exercise. I have been itching to MOVE my body. Any tips on getting started?
- What are some of the things in your life right now that make you feel GOOD and strong?
*We are absolutely avoiding comments like “Oh you are going back for seconds?” - THAT IS OLD AND WE ARE DONE WITH IT, FOLKS.

Emotional Boundaries:

Joy, gratitude, hope… All emotions often associated with this season. Love that for us. Also love the fact that we are dynamic humans with FULL SPECTRUMS of emotions. Curious about how to create boundaries to regulate your emotions while also being authentic? Here you go ;)

I will be the first to tell you that not all humans can be trusted with the sacredness of your emotions. That does not mean to hide them. Here are some ways to set emotional boundaries.
- I-Statements: I feel sad when people talk over me at the table because it makes it seem like what I have to say is not important. What I need is for people to let me finish my thoughts when I speak.
- I would like to end this conversation because I feel like you and I are both very upset. We can revisit this at another time.
- I feel a big emotion bubbling up so I am excusing myself to go somewhere quiet to reconnect.
- That is not an appropriate thing to say.
- I will not stick around if the topic moves to ____ (politics, religion, trauma, etc). Leave if it does.
The group is what it always seems to be - a functional mess? Or at least that specific family member or friend is. Someone comes up to you and starts talking major gossip. We are going to protect our peace by setting a boundary. Here are some ideas:
- I love that you trust me to share your thoughts on this, but I think we should not discuss this right now. I wouldn’t want to say anything that I wouldn’t say out loud to them.
- WOOF. I feel myself getting so worked up. I know I came to you to vent, but I think I need to take a breath and talk about something more positive.
- I need you to check me. If I come up trying to talk about others - redirect me. I want to be better.
Before even leaving your home or inviting guests in, consider how you will express and react to others emotions.
- Time with this group of people typically triggers a type of emotional response that I am anticipating. I will use x, y and z coping skills and plan to talk with my partner about my needs as the night goes on.
- Hey friend, I can see that you are feeling overwhelmed. Let’s step outside, get some fresh air, and drink some water.
- You are not being dramatic. This year has been really tough and I am here with you. What do you need?

Time Boundaries:

Oh Time. What a sacred thing!

Your time is valuable and just because it is a season of “giving” does not mean you have to give up your time without setting some expectations!

STEP ONE: Allow yourself to accept that you are not obligated to do anything just because it is a holiday.
STEP TWO: choose what will work best for you (and if applicable, your family).
STEP THREE: Communicate what time spent will look like this year.
- We would love to come to your holiday party, but we will only be able to stay for 1 hour.
- The family trip sounds like it is going to be a lot of fun. I want to let you know up front that for me to be my best self, I will be taking some alone time in the morning and evening but cannot wait to connect during the day’s activities!
- I will absolutely be there. I did notice that it will be a large gathering and I sometimes sneak out when the crowd get big. Could I come 30 minutes early to help set up and spend time with you?
Can’t go? Don’t want to go? No prob. Saying “No” is not rude and if someone feels personally hurt about your decline to attend, that is a whole different convo. Ideas for RSVPing “NO”:
- Thank you so much for the invitation. This year, we will be doing our festivities at home.
- I cannot make it but I am so excited to see the pictures on social media!
- The party sounds great, but I know that ___ will be there and I do not feel comfortable attending.
If you are hosting any gatherings, it can be really helpful to clarify how time will be spent.
- Please arrive by 5:00 pm as dinner will be served plated.
- Our big celebration will end by 10 pm to ensure everyone is home safely at a reasonable time.
- The only plus ones allowed are your dogs. If your desired plus one is a person - let us know at least 1 week in advance!
- During our time, please be mindful of the pets, children, etc that are joining in on the magic! * insert your personal requests here *

Material Boundaries:

Material Girls? Me. But in all seriousness, the holidays are often about shared space, sharing things, and giving. So let’s talk about some solid material boundaries to consider.

IT CAN BE HARD OKAY. Maybe it is a season of saving or you just literally cannot HANDLE the wish lists. Here are some good ways to communicate what you are able to give this year:
- We will not be purchasing gifts this year, but we would love to have dinner with our closest family/friends to celebrate this season.
- I will not be able to contribute money to this group gift and I completely understand if you all choose to leave my name off of the card.
- Our relationship is so special that I wanted to create something for you. Here is a sick ass playlist, painting, poem, song, poorly knitted scarf, etc.
Oh and receiving. Maybe this year you are going to cuss out loud if someone buys you another fuzzy blanket (could not be me but I respect you). Or maybe you have specific needs that you cannot quite swing financially. Here are some kind ways to set it up:
- We will not be accepting gifts this year (or this type of gift) due to the high volume we already have! If you really want to purchase ____, please donate it to ____. That would be a special gift to me!
- The best gift I could get from you is TIME. Let’s plan a date.
- Here is a list of “needs” for my new job, home, baby, etc. I know it isn’t super fun stuff, but this would make my heart sing.
Material thangs also include the things you and yours already own. Don’t forget to consider this (or ask this of your guests this holiday):
- Thank you for letting us prepare dinner in your home. What kitchen items would you life for me not to us?
- I appreciate you opening your home for us this holiday. How can I help around your home and respect your space?”
- Hey, I totally cracked this glass. I have a new one on the way. Sorry about that.

You literally are not mean.

Sometimes the boundaries we set allow us to create an even more magical season with our loved ones. I want to leave you with this encouragement.

Your space, time, material belongings, and emotions are SACRED. You are not obligated to share, but my hope for you is that you find the perfect way to spend your holiday season with family (or chosen family). May this time be filled with warmth, connection, and a whole lot of “wow I really love being a human rn” moments.